CUMMUNITY: A PORN PARODY_pt.1

...a porn parody of the show COMMUNITY

[OPENING]

[STAR WARS STYLE TEXT CRAWL]

TO CELEBRATE THE 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE STUDY GROUP OFFICIALLY DISBANDING THE DEAN DECIDES TO THROW A “PAINTBALL ASSASSIN’S DANCE,” A GAME OF PAINTBALL ASSASSIN PERFORMED ENTIRELY THROUGH INTERPRETATIVE DANCE… THIS IDEA IS QUICKLY REJECTED AND REPLACED WITH A NORMAL GAME OF PAINTBALL ASSASSIN. THE PRIZE IS SIMPLY ‘FOR BRAGGING RIGHTS.’ AS A RESULT VERY FEW PEOPLE ATTEND THE EVENT: JEFF WINGER, ANNIE EDISON, BRITTA PERRY, SHIRLEY BENNETT, ABED NADIR, TROY BARNES, AND THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS CHANG, AKA THE MODIFIED GREENDALE 7.

[ACT 1]

[SCENE 1]

[EXT. NOON. THE GROUP STANDS AWKWARDLY SILENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE QUAD WITH DEAN PELTON. STUDENTS WALK BY GOING ABOUT THEIR NORMAL ROUTINE]

JEFF: …I’m out.

DEAN: C’mon Jeffery, I know we were expecting a bit more, but…

JEFF: But what?

DEAN: No, you’re right, this sucks.

ANNIE: No. This was never about the game, it was about us getting together again, and the… [TURNS TO ABED] How did you put it?

ABED: Nostalgia demands it.

JEFF: Really? I feel like in a different situation you’d be the one tapping out a 10-thousand-word Substack about how nostalgia is the death of art.

ABED: No, you’re thinking of yourself if you were me.

[JEFF SQUINTS]

ABED: Besides, it’s easy to be critical of nostalgia when you’re living through the time you’ll eventually have nostalgia for.

JEFF: Fine, but the time we’d be reliving—because nostalgia demands it—we played as a group; now… we’d only be fighting each other.

TROY: I have nostalgia for unwanted erections. But I remember us fighting each other a lot back then… Didn’t Annie break your nose or something?

JEFF: …I don’t have any nostalgia for that.

SHIRLEY: Will everyone stop saying nostalgia! …Anyhoo, Jeff is right. I say we go to the study room, order some pizza and catch up. I brought browniiies.

[SHIRLEY PRODUCES A PLEASANT LOOKING BASKET FILLED WITH METICULOUSLY CRAFTED BROWNIES DUSTED WITH POWDERED SUGAR]

BRITTA: Oh, hey—I also brought brownies.

[BRITTA PRODUCES A WORN-OUT GALLON SIZED ZIPLOCK BAG WITH BROKEN, DRIED OUT BROWN CAKE THINGS]

JEFF [TO BRITTA]: …I’ll take one of those.

[JEFF REACHES INTO THE BAG AND GRABS ONE OF THE LARGER CHUNKS]

BRITTA: Hey, don’t take that all at once! It’ll go straight to your…

[BRITTA SLOWLY TURNS TO SHIRLEY]

BRITTA: thighs…

[SHIRLEY SQUNITS HER EYES AND SHAKES HER HEAD]

[ABED CHUCKLES. REPEATS LINE “STRAIGHT TO YOUR THIGHS” TO HIMSELF]

Jeff: What’s so funny?

[JEFF LOOKS DOWN AT HIS THIGHS]

ABED: Nothing. I just realized ‘straight to your thighs’ could be a double entendre.

ANNIE: …uh, that’s not your humor, Abed.

[ABED LOOKS PUZZLED]

ABED: You’re right. [TILTS HEAD] I don’t know what came over me. [UNTILTS HEAD] Oh wait, now I remember.

BRITTA: You didn’t get into my brownies, did you?

ABED: No, but maybe later tonight I’ll let you get into my brownies.

[GROUP IS STUNNED. CHANG LAUGHS. ANNIE SMACKS ABED]

ANNIE: EW! ABED!

[THE DEAN IS WRITING ON A SMALL NOTEPAD. REPEATS LINE TO HIMSELF IN SUGGESTIVE TONE]

DEAN: No, but maybe later tonight I’ll let you get into my brownies.

[EVERYONE LOOKS AT DEAN]

DEAN: Hey, I’m an established degenerate. Y’all should be more focused on… whatever’s been awakened in Abed here.

JEFF: There’s not enough brownies in the world for me to even entertain the idea of spending the afternoon traversing the psychedelic apocalypse of Abed’s sexual awakening.

TROY: …I don’t know, when you put it like that… it sounds pretty awesome.

BRITTA: Yeah, that is a pretty intriguing elevator pitch.

JEFF [TO ANNIE]: Annie?

[ANNIE LOOKS UP AT JEFF SHEEPISHLY. KINDA SHRUGS]

JEFF: oh, I don’t believe this.

SHIRLEY: uh, excuse me, but uh, there is no way in …Hell, that I will be taking part of… whatever it is you all are talking about. So let’s just nip this nonsense in the bud and go to the study room for a nice lunch.

TROY [SNICKERING]: Nip what in the where?

ABED: Nice. …But Shirley’s right. Lunch sounds nice.

[ABED STARTS WALKING OFF. THE GROUP LOOKS AT EACH OTHER THEN BEGINS TO FOLLOW ABED]

CHANG: Not. So. Fast.

[EVERYONE TURNS AROUND]

CHANG: I came here to claim bragging rights. My rightful bragging rights.

JEFF: There’s no game, Chang. You want bragging rights? They’re yours. No one cares.

CHANG: oh, you’re going to care, and the game is very much on. In an hour this entire school will be drowning in my …paint …balls.

ANNIE: Buuut no one is playing. We’re not playing.

[CHANG LAUGHS MENACINGLY. PULLS OFF HIS BACKPACK (yes, he was always wearing a backpack), REACHES INTO IT SLOWLY. THE GROUP MOVES INTO A DEFENSIVE POSTURE. CHANG LAUGHS MANIACALLY. QUICKLY PULLS HIS HAND OUT OF THE BACKPACK. THE GROUP GASPS. THEN ACTUALLY SEES WHAT HE’S HOLDING: A GIANT MULTICOLOR AFRO CLOWN WIG (you know, from that one episode). HE PUTS THE WIG ON IN A MANNER AKIN TO DARTH VADER DONNING HIS HELMET]

[THE SOUNDTRACK BLASTS A DEEP, BRASSY ‘BWAAAHHHH’]

CHANG: I am Chang, lunatic of God’s creation, and I’ve come to deliver a simple message: The Universe… Wants To Play.

JEFF: …Cool. Tell the universe to suck it.

CHANG: heh. Famous first words.

JEFF: That’s not even a saying!

TROY: Hey, I got an idea…

[TROY PULLS OUT PAINTBALL GUN AND SHOOTS CHANG IN THE GUT]

[CHANG LOOKS DOWN]

CHANG: ah, c’mmon! That’s not fair! Did you have that on you the entire time?

[TROY LOOKS PUZZLED]

TROY: Wait. Did I?

CHANG: Whatever! I’m out of here. Chang you later, losers.

JEFF: Yeah, see you in another ten years, or fifty… whatever comes last!

[CHANG TURNS AROUND]

CHANG: That’s not even a saying!

[CHANG STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE. TURNS BACK AROUND AND WALKS AWAY. VERY BRIEFLY WE SEE A MENACING SMILE CREEP ACROSS HIS FACE]

[THE SOUNDTRACK BLASTS A DEEP, BRASSY ‘BWAAAHHHH’]

ABED: Did anyone else hear that?

JEFF: Seriously, Abed—did you get into Britta’s brownies?

ABED: No. I just dropped a bunch of acid with Chang about an hour ago.

[END SCENE]

[SCENE 2]

[INT. AFTERNOON. STUDY ROOM]

[THE GROUP ARE IN THEIR NORMAL SEATING ARRANGEMENT]

JEFF: You want me to take it from the top?

ABED: Sure.

JEFF [EXPLODES]: You did what?!!

ABED: A dropped a bunch of acid with Chang about an hour and… ten minutes ago? I don’t know, time is kinda losing all meaning right now.

JEFF: Why the hell would you do that, Abed?

BRITTA: More importantly [UNDER HER BREATH] does Chang have any more?

ANNIE: Britta! That is not more important!

BRITTA: Well, if we know what kind of acid Abed took, we might be more prepared for what… to expect…

[BRITTA LOOKS AROUND]

BRITTA: No one’s buying that?

TROY: Not even a little bit.

BRITTA: Fine. I guess I’m stuck with these pot brownies I bought from Chang about an hour ago.

JEFF: Are you kidding me!?? I had some of those!

ANNIE: Me too!

TROY: And me!

SHIRLEY: Wait? When did you two eat her brownies?

ANNIE: uhh, while we were walking to the study room?

TROY: When you weren’t looking…

SHIRLEY: And no one took any of mine? Jesus, give me strength! I am so sick of this… of this crap! I thought today would be a nice time with some old friends, but that clearly was not in the cards; it couldn’t be—we’re friends the same way Hitler was an artist!

[JEFF SNICKERS]

BRITTA: oh man, and they say I’m bad at metaphors.

SHIRLEY: Ok, little miss, Hipster Doofus… you want some brownies?

[SHIRLEY STARTS POUNDING THE BROWNIES IN HER PLEASANT BASKET WITH HER FISTS. GRABBING THEM, SQUEEZING THEM IN HER FISTS]

SHIRLEY: Do you like brownies?! How do you like them brownies!!

[SHIRLEY STARTS THROWING THE BROWNIE REMAINS AT THE STUDY GROUP]

SHIRLEY: You get a brownie! And YOU get a brownie!! You ALL get brownies!!

JEFF: Shirley!! Calm down! You are way out of pocket!

[SHIRLEY KIND OF SNAPS OUT OF IT]

SHIRLEY: I’m sorry. I’m just a little amped up.

ABED: I’m just a little tripping. You were straight up raging.

SHIRLEY: It’s just that… I thought I’d surprise you all with my brownies.

JEFF: If you wanted to surprise us then you’d lace your brownies with pot.

[SHIRLEY LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, UH, ALOOF-LY]

JEFF: Shirley. Don’t tell me you laced your brownies with pot.

SHIRLEY: Nooo. I just dusted them with cocaine and PCP… that I bought from Chang about an hour ago.

[JEFF GOES WIDE EYED. TURNS TO ABED.]

JEFF: So Abed, why did you buy drugs from Chang about an hour ago?

ABED: Well, you know how I normally have one foot in outer space. I call it space brain, by the way—make a note of it—and I thought, I thought… if stimulants help people with ADHD focus, then maybe hallucinogens would make me more grounded.

JEFF: There’s a …stupid simplicity to that.

ABED: Yeah well, it’s not quite playing out like I thought it would.

JEFF: No kidding. And you didn’t think the first time you experimented with ACID you’d maybe start with a smaller dose instead of, let me check my notes…

[JEFF PULLS OUT PIECE OF PAPER AND READS FROM IT]

JEFF: Quote, “a bunch of acid,” end quote.

[JEFF PUTS PAPER DOWN. CROSSES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS AT ABED. THEN LOOKS CONFUSED AND LOOKS AT THE PAPER HE JUST PUT DOWN]

JEFF: Where the hell did that come from?

ABED: It’s… it’s the script, Jeff.

JEFF [SARCASTICALLY]: Of course it is, Abed.

[PAUSE]

[JEFF GOES WIDE EYED. PUTS HIS ELBOWS ON THE TABLE, THEN PLACES HIS FACE IN THE PALM OF HIS HANDS]

JEFF [EXASPERATED]: I do not like where this is going.

ABED: Don’t be upset, Jeff. This is where this was always going. We’ve just… finally arrived.

JEFF: Arrived at what, exactly?

ABED: The Movie.

JEFF: The what? Oh, right, the… thing with the 6 other things. Right right right. No it all makes perfect sense now.

[PAUSE]

[JEFF SITS UP. PUTS HANDS ON TABLE]

JEFF: Well… I guess I can relax and take comfort in knowing that this is all just a figment of your fertile imagination, which may or may not be on some hard-core hallucinogens at the moment.

[CHANG EMERGES FROM AN AIR VENT STILL WEARING THAT STUPID FUCKING WIG]

CHANG: Guess again!

[GROUP SCREAMS]

CHANG: You’re not getting off that easy, Winger. None of you are.

TROY: oh, now I get the significance of the wig…

[PAUSE]

TROY: It’s a callback… to that one time when he played drugs in that play we did… he wore that wig…

[CHANG SLOW CLAPS]

JEFF: What do you want Chang?

CHANG: To deliver a monologue about my diabolical plan, of course.

JEFF: What? Did you poison all the drugs you sold us and now we only have an hour to live?

CHANG: WHAT? No! Jesus Christ, Winger, give me a little credit.

JEFF: Not even a little bit.

[GROUP COLLECTIVELY MURMUR AGREES. SHIRLEY CLEARLY HEARD SAYING: I definitely remember you being psychotic]

CHANG: Fair enough. But no, I want you all to live a long time. After all, what good are bragging rights if there’s no one to brag to.

[CHANG STARTS LAUGHING]

TROY: But I already shot you.

JEFF: Yeah, which is a callback to about ten minutes ago.

CHANG [TO TROY]: You sure about that, hotshot? Look again.

[CHANG GESTURES TO HIS SHIRT WHICH IS CONSPICUOUSLY MISSING ANY PAINT STAINS]

JEFF: So what? So you changed your shirt.

CHANG: With the exact same shirt? In the last ten minutes?

[PAUSE]

CHANG: What’s the matter, study group? No witty rejoinder all teed up and ready to go?

JEFF: I’m sure there’s an explanation.

CHANG: oh, believe me, there is. And it starts with me telling you that none of you bought the drugs you thought you did from me.

JEFF: I thought you said you didn’t poison us.

CHANG: I didn’t, but there are a lot of different drugs out there, Jeff. Even the government makes some. You know, the government is into all sorts of weird stuff: mind control, alien technology, psychic research. Now imagine aaall that… has been reduced to this.

[CHANG PULLS OUT SINGLE PURPLE GELCAP]

JEFF: Whatever. Assuming the government did create such a drug, how in the hell did you get your hands on it?

CHANG: Found it in a dumpster behind the Army surplus store.

JEFF: ahh, fuck me.

CHANG: According to the packaging it’s called Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake. But you all can call it: Pot Brownies, coke, and PCP.

[CHANG LOOKS AT ABED]

CHANG: …etcetera, etcetera.

[CHANG ADDRESSES THE GROUP]

CHANG: After a quick web search, I learned what Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake is and what it does, and I began planning for this day of reckoning. Of my accession to the throne of ULTIMATE BRAGGING RIGHTS.

TROY [LOOKING AT HIS PHONE]: The only mention of Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake on the internet references an animated series called Metalocalypse.

[TROY PUTS DOWN PHONE]

TROY: It ran on ADULT SWIM for four seasons and… two movies.

CHANG: Tell them what it does.

[TROY PICKS UP HIS PHONE. STARTS TAPPING ON IT]

TROY: Hang on, I closed the window…

ABED: It was designed to wipe people’s minds clean, making them blank slates thus creating the perfect mind-control slaves.

CHANG: And…

JEFF: Wait. Why would the government use a cartoon from cable TV to broadcast the existence of a real mind control drug they created?

CHANG: Obviously to make anyone who talks about it sound like nutcase.

JEFF: Well, I’d say you beat them to the punch years ago.

CHANG: Doesn’t matter, you’ve all already seen the effects of Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake. Exhibit A.

[CHANG GESTURES TO HIS CLEAN SHIRT]

TROY: But I shot you before I had Britta’s brownies.

JEFF: And we all saw Troy shoot you. Whatever that drug does it can’t produce collective hallucinations.

CHANG: Abed…

ABED: Actually it can.

JEFF: Ok, but none of us had her brownies yet.

JEFF [TO BRITTA]: Thanks for that, by the way.

BRITTA: Hey, how was I supposed to know that Chang would sell me experimental alien drugs disguised as pot brownies…

[PAUSE]

BRITTA: Besides, Shirley did it too.

SHIRLEY: Don’t drag me into this, y’all had no intention of having my brownies. I don’t know if it’s racism, or…

JEFF: Enough! It doesn’t matter. Because he’s lying. There is no such thing as Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake… I can’t believe I just said… And even if there was, we hadn’t had any yet. This is just an elaborate ruse with a few loose ends that, uh, [JEFF LOOKS AT THE PIECE OF PAPER IN FRONT OF HIM ON THE TABLE] I’m sure we’ll figure out eventually.

CHANG: You sure about that? Maybe you weren’t on Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake when you all saw Troy shoot me…

[CHANG NODS TOWARDS ABED]

CHANG: But he was.

[THE SOUNDTRACK BLASTS A DEEP, BRASSY ‘BWAAAHHHH’]

CHANG: You hear that, Winger? That’s the sound of loose ends tying themselves up into nice, neat little bows.

[PAUSE]

CHANG: And while you’re all letting that sink in allow me to deliver my villain’s monologue.

JEFF: Your what?

CHANG: I told you I came here to do a monologue. I still haven’t explained why I’m doing this…

TROY: You said it was to win the game…

CHANG: Yeah, but why?

TROY: For bragging rights. You’ve been quite clear about that.

CHANG: Yeah, ok, well there’s still another twist coming, and I have a speech for it. So. Ok? Can I just do the Chang thing?

JEFF: Yeah, sure. Blow our mind.

[CHANG PULLS OUT PIECE OF PAPER. CLEARS THROAT. READS FROM PAPER]

CHANG: Under neoliberalism, education has been systematically stripped of its critical emancipatory function. Instead, it has become merely vocational training, a mechanism designed not to empower individuals, but to render them compliant, productive, and politically inert. We see the consequences of this everywhere today. The average citizen, despite years spent in compulsory schooling, remains profoundly uninformed about the structures governing their lives.

JEFF: What the hell are you talking about?

BRITTA: Let him finish, he’s really speaking my Changuage.

[GROUP BOOS BRITTA]

CHANG: Fine I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve laced my paintballs with Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake and while you all have been in here being losers, I’ve been on campus being awesome and… generally shooting up the place.

[JEFF GOES WIDE EYED]

JEFF: No you haven’t

CHANG: Have you met me!??

[CHANG STARTS LAUGHING MANIACALLY WHILE SLOW CLAPPING]

CHANG: In 24 hours this campus will be filled with nothing but blank slates ready for me to program to be my slaves who I will use to RULE THE WORLD. A fitting metaphor of the student under late-stage capitalism.

BRITTA: Whoo! I got that.

ANNIE: Britta! Respectfully… shut the fuck up. And Chang, we’ll stop you…

[ANNIE LOOKS AROUND]

ANNIE: …Right? Guys? Stopping Chang… like old times?

CHANG: And that! brings us full circle, heh, because while I’ll be busy creating the Chang World Order… You all will have to deal with… how did you put it, Jeff? The psychedelic apocalypse of Abed’s sexual awakening? And if you don’t believe me… read it for yourself in the script. Dramatic exit!

[CHANG THROWS A HANDFUL OF MYSTERIOUS POWDER IN THE AIR. IS LAST SEEN JUMPING INTO THE AIR VENT]

[JEFF LOOKS AT THE PAPER IN FRONT OF HIM ON THE TABLE, WHICH IS NOW A WHOLE ASS SCRIPT. ON THE COVER IT SAYS: CUMMUNITY: A PORN PARODY]

[JEFF CAUTIOUSLY REACHES FOR THE SCRIPT. OPENS IT. THE ROOM DISAPPEARS IN A BLINDING WHITE LIGHT]

[END SCENE]

…TO BE CONTINUED.»