PORNCULT Episodes #03 & #04

House Teeth

EP_03: Welcome to the Negaverse

[OPENING SCENE]

[INTERIOR—TELEVISION TALK SHOW SET—AFTERNOON]

[WE SEE THE HOST AND LEADER SITTING ON STAGE STARING AT EACH OTHER AS THE VOICEOVER PLAYS]

VO: In our last episode the gang explored the house and discovered its uniquely batshit architecture. Including a whole-ass television studio for a talk show where the main guest was a sex cult leader who played a video of himself banging the host’s daughter. And now… the continuation.

HOST: Well I’m shocked.

LEADER: No shit.

HOST: Yeah, I didn’t think you’d make her come.

LEADER: Wait, what?

HOST: Yeah, I can never make her come.

LEADER: Whaaa??

HOST: Oh, is that shocking to you, Mr. pSychOSeXXgoD?

LEADER: …

HOST: You pretentious fucking ham bone.

LEADER: Ham what?

HOST: You think you’re so damn edgy. But you never figured that you needed us to fulfill your destiny, did you?

LEADER: …

HOST: That you need anti-social sexual repression for your schtick to have any …teeth.

LEADER: Ok, I see what you did there.

HOST: Oh really? About time you saw the obvious. You know. We’ve been watching you. Since you were a child. Tried to help you. Tried to show you your role, but you just couldn’t play ball, could you? Too cool for school.

LEADER: Who… are you?

HOST: Ha! Classic. Have you tried asking a mirror that? You could have had it all. A vehicle for your messiah complex and the sexual depravity that is so integral to it. And all you had to do was accept us. We were all waiting for you. But you had to go your own way, and now… we are your enemy.

LEADER: Jesus.

HOST: Ironic, isn’t it?

LEADER: Well. Irony is my middle name.

HOST: Oh, and what is that?

LEADER: Nice try. You had me going for a moment, but I’m afraid you still don’t understand the game being played here, so let me just say: Welcome to my house. I'm delighted you could come. I'm certain you will find your stay here most illuminating. Think of me as your unseen servant and believe that during your stay here I shall be with you in spirit. May you find the answer that you seek. It is here, I promise you. And now, aufweiderzein.

[ENTIRE TEEVEE STUDIO DISAPPEARS IN A PUFF OF INCREDULITY LEAVING THE MAN, GIRL 1 & GIRL 2 STANDING IN AN EMPTY ROOM]

GIRL 2: So…

MAN: Don’t say, ‘so that just happened.’

GIRL 2: Doh!

MAN: So that just happened.

GIRL 2: Hey!

GIRL 1: Yeah, that just happened… WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? Another ‘projection’?

MAN: Maybe.

GIRL 1: Bullshit! People talked to us.

MAN: Meh. Holograms programmed with an interactive artificial intelligence. Impressive, but not impossible.

GIRL 1: But we were sitting in chairs. And now they’re gone!

MAN: [PAUSES] Yeah… yeah. Right. Yeah, that’s some sci-fi shit. Ok, I’m officially on board with freaking out.

GIRL 1: Oh, what happened to ‘just go with it’?

MAN: Well, I’m past ‘going along for the ride’ and moved onto FREAKING OUT. So.

GIRL 1: What’s… wrong with you? Who talks like that?

GIRL 2: Ok, guys. Can we possibly talk about this… somewhere else? Let’s just go back to my room and…

GIRL 1: Your room?? Bitch. I am leaving this house FOREVER. I don’t care if I have to move back in with my pervy religious dad who goes on his talk show to tell his audience about what a pervy religious freak he is.

[GIRL 1 IS WIDE EYED RAPIDLY LOOKING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN GIRL 2 & MAN]

GIRL 2: Your… what now?

MAN: Curiouser and curiouser. The plot thickens.

[GIRL 1 STOPS LOOKING ANXIOUS AND LOOKS ANNOYED]

GIRL 1: Bro, seriously. What is your problem?

[GIRL 2 RAPIDLY SNAPS HER FINGERS]

GIRL 2: Focus! What, ah, the fuck are you talking about? That was your dad? That whole thing was about you?

GIRL 1: No. it’s just. For one thing, my dad has an AM radio talk show, not television, and I never joined a cult. I would say it’s just a coincidence, except it’s clearly not!

MAN: When were you going to bring this up?

GIRL 1: Exactly when I did, man. Exactly when I did. Jesus.

MAN: Sorry.

GIRL 1: Forget it. Let’s just go. I’ll be sending you my therapist’s bill in perpetuity.

[THE GANG LEAVES THE WHITE ROOM AND GOES BACK INTO THE VERY DIMLY LIT HALLWAY]

GIRL 2: Which way did we come from?

MAN: When we entered the door was on the left side of the hallway. So now we go right.

GIRL 1: …Score one for fucking Rainman here.

GIRL 2: Wow, you got a bit of a mean streak, don’t you?

[GIRL 1 SHOOTS A LOOK AT GIRL 2]

GIRL 2: I get it tho!

[THE GANG BEGINS WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY]

[THE GANG CONTINUES WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY]

[THE GANG IS STILL WALKING DOWN THE FUCKING HALLWAY]

GIRL 2: Uh, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but…

[GIRL 1 SIGHS]

GIRL 1: Just say it—we’re all thinking it.

GIRL 2: It didn’t take us this long to come this far in the first place. [TO MAN] Are you sure we’re going in the right direction?

[MAN LOOKS AT GIRL 1, NARROWS HIS EYES]

MAN: Definitely. Definitely the right direction.

[GIRL 1 ROLLS HER EYES. THEN SHE SIGHS]

GIRL 1: The entrance is really gone this time, isn’t it?

MAN: I didn’t want to say anything until I knew we all knew, but ah, we’ve been walking past the same three doors like we’re in a cheap cartoon.

GIRL 1: FUUUUCK. We’re all going to die here!

[JUST THEN THE DIMLY LIT HALLWAY EXPLODES WITH LIGHT REVEALING AN INFINITELY LONG HALLWAY WITH 3 DOOR REPEATING PATTERN]

GIRL 2: Get the fuck out…

[GIRL 1 LOOKS AT GIRL 2. EYES BUGGING OUT]

GIRL 1: My thoughts exactly. AAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!

[GIRL 1 BREAKS INTO A DEAD SPRINT WHILE SCREAMING. GIRL 2 STARTS TO GO AFTER GIRL 1 BUT MAN HOLDS HER BACK]

MAN: Let’s see what happens.

[THE TWO WATCH AS GIRL 1 RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE GETTING SMALLER AND SMALLER UNTIL SHE DISAPPEARS AND CAN NO LONGER BE HEARD. FOR A FEW MOMENTS THERE IS ONLY SILENCE. THEN FAINT SCREAMING IS HEARD IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. THE TWO TURN AROUND TO SEE GIRL 1 RUNNING TOWARDS THEM]

[GIRL 1 SEES THE OTHER TWO. IS VISIBLY CONFUSED AS SHE APPROACHES THEM. IS STILL SCREAMING, BUT WITHOUT THE SENSE OF URGENCY, LIKE SHE FORGOT TO STOP SCREAMING—(IS PLAYED FOR LAUGHS)]

[GIRL 1 IS STANDING WITH THE OTHER TWO STILL “SCREAMING” (MORE LIKE AN “AHHHHH”) WHEN GIRL 2 GENTLY PUSHES GIRL 1’S JAW SHUT]

MAN: Well, that settles that.

GIRL 2: Can we… go to my room now?

GIRL 1: Yeah, sure. Let’s go to your room.

[THE TWO GIRLS LOOK AT THE MAN]

MAN: Oh, it’d be that door.

[MAN POINTS AT A DOOR. THE THREE GO INSIDE. IT’S THE SAME NORMAL ASS BEDROOM FROM BEFORE]

GIRL 2: How did you know it’s the same three doors?

MAN: The light switch outside the first room we explored.

GIRL 1: Awesome.

[GIRL 1 STARTS TAKING OFF HER CLOTHES. STARTS WITH PANTS]

GIRL 2: What are you doing?

GIRL 1: Dude, I just need to take my mind off this bullshit and I think getting my brains fucked out will do the trick.

GIRL 2: uh, cool. I’m not really in the mood tho.

MAN: Yeah, it doesn’t feel earned.

[GIRL 1 WALKS UP TO THE MAN. IS VIBRATING WITH ANGER]

GIRL 1: So help me God…

[GIRL 2 GETS IN BETWEEN THE TWO]

GIRL 2: Ok. Ok. Settle down. Alright. Let’s just focus and try to figure out what’s going on here. We know elements of your life were somehow remixed into what we saw on that talk show.

MAN: Right. Feels like we should try to figure out who or what made that happen. Why did it take certain aspects of your life to create that scene, but also make up stuff that had nothing to do with you? And finally, why not use elements from our lives?

GIRL 2: Well, about that. I guess I should tell you both that when I was a teenager I ran away to… join a cult.

GIRL 1: Wait. Are you serious?

GIRL 2: Yeah, it seemed less significant before I knew about your dad being a perv with a talk show.

GIRL 1: Was it a sex cult?

GIRL 2: No. in fact, it was an abstinence cult.

GIRL 1: Oh my god. That’s still a sex cult.

GIRL 2: Nuh uh.

GIRL 1: Right. And how did they enforce all the abstinence?

GIRL 2: Well, the leader would occasionally test your purity by… having sex with you. Damn. It was a sex cult.

GIRL 1: Jesus. So why did you leave?

GIRL 2: More like escaped. You can guess why. I’m pretty much living off the grid now. I can’t use my name to do anything that requires a lot of paperwork like having a normie job or renting an apartment. It’s why I, uh, do sexy home invasions. If the cult finds me… well, I don’t want to think about it.

GIRL 1: Oh my god, I’m so sorry.

[GIRL 1 HUGS GIRL 2]

MAN: Well, that wraps up your backstory in a neat little bow. It tracks.

[BOTH GIRLS LOOK AT THE MAN]

GIRL 2: Ok, man. You have officially gone from precious to annoying.

GIRL 1: Thank youuu.

GIRL 2: Yeah. So how ‘bout it, what’s your backstory?

GIRL 1: Yeah, backstory. And if I don’t like what I hear, I’m going to poke SO MANY holes in it!

GIRL 2: And let us not forget… your story needs to somehow fit in with what we saw on the talk show.

GIRL 1: Yes! That!

[MAN ALTERNATES LOOKING AT BOTH GIRLS. HE BRINGS HIS FIST TO HIS MOUTH AND CLEARS HIS THROAT]

MAN: I…

GIRL 1: Yes??

MAN: I am a writer.

GIRL 1: [ANNOYED] What do you write?

MAN: TV shows.

GIRL 1: What kind of shows?

GIRL 2: Oh my god, do you write for talk shows?

MAN: Definitely not.

GIRL 1: So… What the fuck do you write? Jesus! Why is talking to you such a fucking ordeal??

MAN: Well I’m autistic, for one.

GIRL 1: Oh, Jesus. I’m sorry.

MAN Eh, it is what it is.

GIRL 1: Ut. You don’t say. Um, so, Mr. Writer, what do you write?

MAN: I write…

GIRL 1: YES?

MAN: I write…

GIRL 1: AHH! Just tell us!

MAN: Shitty sitcoms! Ok! I write stupid sitcoms that only idiots like. I am contractually obligated to suppress my talent and contribute nothing thought-provoking or insightful to society, and instead week after week I make lame jokes about the dad being a doofus, and how the mom is the moral center of the family.

GIRL 1: Hmm… Yeah, I don’t buy it.

MAN: What?

GIRL 1: I watch the news—tv writers don’t make bank like they used to, so I don’t think you could afford [GIRL 1 LOOKS AROUND. DOES AIR QUOTES] “this house” on a tv writer’s salary.

GIRL 2: AND! There’s nothing about your story that involves sex… stuff.

GIRL 1: Uh huh! What kind of creep are you, anyway?

MAN: Two things. First, I’m not anyone’s pervy dad or a sex cult leader, but I am a writer for one of the most successful sitcoms of all time, and at that level, you DO ‘make bank,’ as you say; and second…

GIRL 1: Yeah?

MAN: I’m the heir to a massive porn empire. I’m the grandson of Hugh Flint, tho I changed my name so people won’t make the connection. …I guess that was three things, actually.

GIRL 2: Well… I’m satisfied.

GIRL 1: Yeah, I guess that all… tracks.

MAN: Thank you.

GIRL 1: So uh, Mr. Tortured-But-Not-Starving-Artist… how would you ah, write a sex scene for two girls and a guy in this situation in a way that’s… thought provoking & insightful?

GIRL 2: Don’t forget ‘earned.’

MAN: …You’re still horny.

GIRL 1: Maybe some conspicuously aged Girl Scouts knock on the door?

MAN: Definitely not. That’s hack shit. Played out and basic. Cringe.

GIRL 1: Ut. Ok…

MAN: No, I think… I think I would write a scene where…

[KNOCKING ON THE DOOR]

[ALL THREE ARE STUNNED. THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER]

MAN: Who… Who is it?

[KNOCKING ON THE DOOR]

GIRL 2: Answer it.

MAN: Why me?

GIRL 1: It’s your house!

MAN: But it’s her room.

GIRL 2: Oh, just be a man!

[GIRL 2 PUSHES MAN TOWARDS DOOR]

[MAN SLOWLY OPENS DOOR]

[GIRL 1 & 2 ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE. MAN SPINS AROUND TO SEE THE GIRLS ARE NOT IN THE ROOM ANYMORE. HE SLOWLY TURNS AROUND]

GIRL 2: Hi, we’re reverse Jehovah’s Witnesses. We’re going around asking people to tell us the good news about their religion!

MAN: What?? How did you get… and how did you know…?

[GIRL 1 TALKS IN HUSHED TONES]

GIRL 1: shh! No ad-libbing. We’ll explain everything in the next episode. For now it’s… ah… integral to the plot that we do this threesome. Just say your lines. Ok?

[MAN IS WIDE EYED. HE LOOKS AT GIRL 2 WHO IS NODDING]

MAN: ooh kayy. Um. I… But I don’t have a religion.

GIRL 2: Oh, Good news! That means we can tell you about OUR religion.

[MAN goes cockeyed]

MAN: B-but…

GIRL 1: Stay on script.

[MAN SHAKES OFF HIS DISBELIEF]

MAN: I don’t think so. Religion was created to control people.

GIRL 1: Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong! The government & economy were created to control people. Religion was created to free your soul!

MAN: Oh yeah, prove it!

GIRL 2: We were hoping you’d say that.

[THE TWO GIRLS SNICKER]

GIRL 1: May we come in and… demonstrate the good news?

MAN: Sure.

[THE MAN LETS THE GIRLS INTO THE ROOM. THE TWO HEAD STRAIGHT FOR THE BED, GET IN AND START MAKING OUT]

MAN: What kind of… religion is this?

GIRL 1: Oh, don’t let labels bog down the experience.

GIRL 2: Yeah, if you try to classify the experience then you lose the experience. Just go with the flow, you know?

[DIRTY STUFF]

XXX

[DIRTY STUFF IS FINISHED. EVERYONE IS SATISFIED OR WHATEVER]

MAN: So uh, what, may I ask, the FUCK just happened?

GIRL 2: Sorry nope.

GIRL 1: Remember what we said?

MAN: You’d explain everything in the next episode…

GIRL 1: Yeah.

MAN: Ok. So… when the fuck is that going to ha—

//THEND//

EP_04: School’s OUT

[OPENING SCENE]

[INTERIOR— CLASSROOM—MORNING]

[THE GANG IS IN A CLASSROOM SITTING AT DESKS. ONLY ONE OTHER PERSON IS IN THE ROOM. THE DOOR OPENS AND THE KULT LEADER (YES, THAT KULT LEADER) WALKS IN. HE’S DISHEVELED. CARRYING BOOKS]

LEADER: Ok, class. My name is… something. Look. I just graduated and this is my first day teaching. I ah…

[LEADER WALKS TO TEACHER’S DESK. PUTS DOWN BOOKS. PICKS UP A STACK OF PAPERS STAPLED TOGETHER. HE RIFLES THROUGH THE STACK]

LEADER: It says here I’m supposed to make a “dated reference.” I... I don’t… I don’t know what that means.

[THE OTHER PERSON IN THE CLASS, A HOT TEEN GIRL LOOKS AT CAMERA. SHE’S GESTURING TO WHAT APPEARS TO BE PEOPLE OFF CAMERA. SHE’S TRYING TO CONVEY A SENSE OF CONFUSED URGENCY, LIKE ‘WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO’?]

[A HUSHED VOICE OFF CAMERA URGENTLY PROMPTS HER TO ‘KEEP GOING’]

HOT TEEN GIRL: Uh, no one knows what you’re talking about. [UNDER HER BREATH] You can say that again.

LEADER: Oh! So I’m lame if I use a reference you don’t know, but I’m also lame if I don’t know that you know a reference that you DO KNOW!??

HTG: [UNDER HER BREATH] Bro, you skipped my next line. But, uh. [NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE] Yeah! It’s lame, they’re both lame, they’re two sides of the same thing.

LEADER: [PAUSE] Who are you?

HTG: Ut! I’m your—fucking—sex fantasy, you, dork ass.

[LEADER RIFFLES THROUGH STACK OF PAPERS. LOOKS UP AT HTG FOR A MOMENT]

LEADER: Where?

HTG: Right here on this desk. You’re supposed to argue with me about what makes things lame and then go ham bone on this tight pussy!

LEADER: Nah, I don’t wanna.

HTG: But that’s… That’s what’s supposed to happen!

LEADER: Says who?

HTG: Says who? I don’t know, God? I mean. Look around you! None of this is real. This “classroom” is missing an entire fourth wall! These other students are just a figment of your imagination.

[HTG WALKS OVER TO GIRL 2 AND WAVES HER HAND THROUGH GIRL 2’S FACE. HER FACE DISPERSES LIKE A MIST. GIRL 2’S MISTY HEAD REASSEMBLES. SHE IS WIDE EYED AND FRANTICALLY FEELS HER FACE TO MAKE SURE IT’S STILL SOLID. IT IS*]

GIRL 1: Oh great. Just what we needed…

LEADER: What did you say?

[HTG SNAPS HER FINGERS AS SHE WALKS TOWARDS THE LEADER]

HTG: Focus! I’m supposed to be the center of your attention… here.

LEADER: Oh, are you now?

HTG: Yes! Look, man, are you going to fuck me or what?

[LEADER PAUSES]

LEADER: How about you go fuck yourself. I quit!

[LEADER SITS DOWN AT DESK]

HTG: Uhhh, well if you quit… why are you still here?

LEADER: Fuck it. This is a classroom, and I got some lessons for these people. So I’m going to plant myself right here and if you can’t deal…

HTG: How the fuck is anyone going to take you seriously if you don’t even do the thing you’re supposed to?

LEADER: Hey! We all got scripts. I make my own!

HTG: Bullshit! Let me see that!

[HTG SNATCHES THE LEADER’S STACK OF STAPLED PAPERS. SHE LOOKS AT IT. AN EXPRESSION OF UTTER CONFUSION WASHES OVER HER FACE]

HTG: What the fuck are these scribbles?

LEADER: They’re called words! You know words? Like the kind you read!

HTG: Oh, so you think you’re a writer, do you? You don’t know a hole from… your ass in the ground!

LEADER: …

HTG: See! Lamest shit ever.

LEADER: Oh. Is this an argument about what’s lame? Guess we got there in the end!

[HTG’S FACE KINDA SPASMS]

HTG: You ain’t right, man.

LEADER: Oh, I’m right.

HTG: Whatever…

[HTG WALKS OUT OF CLASSROOM INTO A WHITE LIGHT]

[The leader sits at his desk. He closes his eyes and begins a breathing exercise. He breathes in. He breathes out. In. Out. In. Out. When he breathes in a little branch begins to grow out of his head and a single leaf sprouts up. When he breathes out the leaf withers away. He breathes in again and the little branch grows larger with more leaves sprouting up. He breathes out and all the leaves wither and are blown away by his exhaled breath. He breathes in and a tree grows on his head. Multiple branches, hundreds of leaves. He breathes out and the leaves all wither, fall off the tree, and blow away in the wind. He breathes in and the tree is full, leafy, flowers blooming. He breathes out and everything wilts and falls away. CLOSE UP ON LEAVES BLOWING IN THE WIND. We pan out and find ourselves outdoors during winter. Snow everywhere. The gang is playing in the snow. GIRL 1 packs a snowball, laughing. Right as she’s about to throw it the glitter of the snowball catches her eye. She stops and looks closer at the ball. She calls out to the other two.]

GIRL 1: Hey. Weren’t we just… somewhere else?

[The other two are seemingly unaware of what she’s saying and continue playing in the snow. Just then winter turns to spring/ summer. GIRL 1 turns around and follows the path of the… summer breeze. As she walks the season changes once again to winter. Now the wind is blowing in her face. She continues walking covering her eyes from the freezing cold wind (BTW I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH HER CLOTHES IN THE SHIFTING SEASONS. MAYBE MAKE HER NAKED AT SOME POINT? YES, THAT. DO THAT). She continues walking and the seasons change in synch with a normal deep breathing pattern. She approaches the source of the wind: a large APPLE TREE with a face formed out of its bark. The eyes are open, but they are merely holes to a hollow darkness inside. She walks up to the tree. Reaches out her hand to touch the face. She gently moves her fingers down the rough exterior. She moves her hand towards one of the eye holes. She starts to put her finger in the… hole when a pair of teeth violently snap shut with the sound of a gunshot]

[THE GANG ALL JOLT AWAKE IN GIRL 2’S BED. GIRL 1 IS HOLDING HER FINGER. GIRL 2 IS POKING HER FACE TO SEE IF IT’S SOLID]

MAN: I don’t think… we’re supposed to believe that was just a dream.

GIRL 2: I didn’t like how at the end the two of us didn’t know what was going on. [LOOKS AT GIRL 1] Like, we’re not main characters here and are just along for the ride in your adventure.

MAN: It does kinda track, tho. Like, we’re all confused by this, but me and you aren’t as bothered by it as she is.

GIRL 1: And, if it makes you feel better, I don’t think any of us are the main characters of this show.

GIRL 2: What do you mean…

GIRL 1: This is that kult leader’s show. And we’re just…

MAN: His props…

[MAN SHAKES HIS HEAD]

MAN: Wait. Wasn’t there… and I admit this makes no sense, but, I don’t know, something about a cliffhanger?

[GIRL 1&2 LOOK AT EACH OTHER WIDE EYED]

[GIRL 1 STARTS TO SLOWLY SHAKE HER HEAD]

GIRL 1: No. I ah, don’t know what you’re talking about.

[MAN SNIFFS]

MAN: Why do I smell gas?

[GIRL 1&2 ARE WIDE EYED]

GIRL 2: Cause the house was built on a natural gas leak?

GIRL 1: Yeah, I mean, that’s canon…

MAN: …Why are you talking like that?

GIRL 1: Like what?

MAN: Like me.

[BEFORE GIRLS HAVE TIME TO RESPOND]

MAN: And why do I smell gas? And don’t tell me gas leak. I think we’re past the part where there’s a rational explanation for all this.

GIRL 2: Why do you say that?

MAN: umm, oh right, because we all just shared the same dream-like experience? That we are clearly living, and possibly trapped, in some sort of simulation where the normal rules of time and space no longer apply.

[GIRL 1&2 BOTH STARE OFF INTO THE MIDDLE DISTANCE]

[GIRL 1 COMPLETELY DEADPAN SAYS]: Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

MAN: huh, the gas smell is gone.

GIRL 1: Oh my god…

MAN: Of course, now that I think about it, even the normal rules of time & space are bizarre and counter-intuitive.

GIRL 1: What do you mean?

MAN: Have you heard of the Block Universe Theory?

GIRL 1&2: …

MAN: Special Relativity?

GIRL 1&2: …

MAN: Albert Einstein?

GIRL 2: Oh, the guy with the hair who said insanity is doing the same thing and expecting… something?

[MAN SIGHS]

MAN: So Einstein figured out that space and time were not essentially different, but merely different aspects of the same thing. There’s not space AND time, there is only SPACE/TIME. And because space exists everywhere all at once, so does time. Which means past, present and fuuuture all actually exist simultaneously. Our perception that ONLY the present is real is an illusion born from the limitations of our experience.

[GIRL 2 GOES WIDE EYED AND STARTS KINDA MINDLESSLY HITTING GIRL 1 WITH THE BACK OF HER HAND. GIRL 1, WHO IS ALSO WIDE-EYED GRABS GIRL 2’S HAND TO STOP THE HITTING]

GIRL 1: And then what?

MAN: Well, it means that not only does the past affect the present and future, but the future affects the present and the past.

GIRL 1: And that’s… real?

MAN: Well that’s the theory. But it’s a scientific theory, so it’s more robust than what normies mean when they use the word… [PAUSE] I don’t know why I brought all that up. Doesn’t seem relevant to our interests. We’re clearly not in… well I already said it, the normal rules of time and space no longer apply. This is much weirder.

GIRL 1: I don’t know… I think normal is weird enough…

GIRL 2: Yeah, maybe we call this… super-normal… or something…

MAN: You mean meta-physical. What’s uh, gotten into you two?

GIRL 2: Oh, noth-

[GIRL 1 HITS GIRL 2 WITH THE BACK OF HER HAND. TAPS HER NOSE. GIRL 2 NODS HER HEAD IN UNDERSTANDING]

GIRL 1: You mean other than your fat cock in our wet ass pussies, amirite? [NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

MAN: Riiight.So—

GIRL 2: So we should probably get back on the trail of… I don’t know. What do we call this… an adventure?

MAN: I’ll co-sign that.

GIRL 1: Works for me.

MAN: Great. So what now?

[GIRL 1&2 LOOK AT EACH OTHER. START TO HEM & HAW AND KINDA TALK OVER EACH OTHER A LITTLE]

GIRL 1: I don’t know… maybe

GIRL 2: Try to find the source…

GIRL 1: Some answers…

GIRL 2: And don’t forget the questions…

GIRL 1: Absolutely, can’t have answers without questions.

GIRL 2: Exactly. Questions deserving answers.

GIRL 1: Answers deserving action.

GIRL 2: What am I of the populi?

GIRL 1: I am but a fraction.

GIRL 2: Is there heaven?

GIRL 1: Is there Hell?

GIRL 2: Is that tuna melt I smell?

MAN: Alright! Come on!

GIRL 1&2: Sorry.

MAN: Ok. Putting aside all that…

[MAN MAKES A CIRCULAR MOTION WITH HIS HAND TOWARDS THE GIRLS]

MAN: …You actually made some sense. We should try to track down the source of this… Adventure.

[THE GIRLS BOTH EXHALE WITH RELIEF]

[MAN SQUINTS HIS EYES AND ALTERNATES LOOKING BETWEEN GIRL 1 & GIRL 2]

MAN: So where do we begin?

GIRL 1&2: The Kult Leader.

[GIRLS GO WIDE EYED]

[MAN BRISTLES HIS FACE AND STARTS RAPIDLY TAPPING HIS FINGER]

MAN: Okaaay. Why and how?

[GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER]

GIRL 1: I’ll take this one. Uh, because the kult leader is, like I said earlier, is clearly the main character here.

GIRL 2: Right. His… like… story is like a mashup of all our stories. There’s a little bit of you, me and her all wrapped up in him.

MAN: Hmm, that is… oddly accurate now that you mention it. But… I don’t know. There’s more to it than that if you think about it.

GIRL 1: What do you mean?

MAN: Well, he’s the leader of a SEX CULT; she joined a CULT, and I’m the heir to a PORN empire. Your story is that you had a pervy religious dad with his own talk show.

GIRL 2: I don’t get it.

GIRL 1: He’s right. When you put it like that… I’m like… the two of you in one.

GIRL 2: Dude.

MAN: Seriously. It's almost… too conceptual to follow, but I love it. At any rate, the question now is how do we find the kult leader?

[GIRL 1 IS COMPLETELY LOST IN HER THOUGHTS. STARING OFF INTO THE VOID OF COMPREHENSION]

GIRL 1: Huh? Oh, you gotta come up with a scene that manifests him… somehow.

[MAN IS BEWILDERED BY THE CLARITY AND CASUALNESS OF THE ANSWER]

MAN: How… do you know that?

GIRL 2: Hey! Hey! Look at you—figuring stuff out so quickly, eh?

[GIRL 2 HITS GIRL 1. GIRL 2 TAPS HER NOSE]

GIRL 2: Remember?

GIRL 1: Huh? Right. It’s just, you know, the logical… conclusion.

GIRL 2: Right. It’s the… uh… The Path is… fuck. What was it? The Path is the…

GIRL 1: Pattern. The Path is the Pattern.

MAN: The Path is the Pattern… Hmm. That—

GIRL 2: Tracks?

MAN: Yeahhh. That tracks. Except why do I have to come up with the scene?

GIRL 1&2: Cause you’re the writer.

GIRL 2: Jesus Christ.

MAN: You know what? I’m officially ignoring this. Ok. I’d be more bothered by the OBVIOUS fact that the two of you are keeping something from me if not for the EQUALLY OBVIOUS fact that you don’t REALLY know what’s going on here either. So. I’m going to go write a scene that manifests the kult leader AND where I get to FUCK Y’ALL’S BONEY BRAINS OUT because, fuck it, I’m feeling a little aggro right now! Ok?

[GIRL 1&2 ARE WIDE EYED]

GIRL 2: Yes, daddy.

MAN: Oh, a callback. Awesome. I’m using it. B-R-B!

[MAN LEAVES BEDROOM. SHUTS DOOR BEHIND HIM. SPINNING PORNCULT LOGO. MAN COMES BACK IN. SHUTS DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE’S LOOKING DOWN AT SOME PAPERS. STARTS TALKING WITHOUT LOOKING UP]

MAN: Alright. I got something that should work. I need the two of you…

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

[MAN LOOKS UP. GIRLS ARE NOT IN ROOM. DOOR KNOCKS AGAIN. MAN TURNS AROUND. OPENS DOOR. GIRLS ARE ON OTHER SIDE]

MAN: Oh right, now I remember.

[GIRL 1 PUTS HER FINGER ON THE MAN’S LIPS]

GIRL 1: Shhh.

MAN: Right. Right.

[MAN TAPS HIS NOSE]

MAN: So. What’s wrong, girls?

GIRL 2: Daddy, Daddy, there’s a monster under our bed!

[MAN KINDA GRITS HIS TEETH]

MAN: Oh, and why are you afraid of the monster?

GIRL 1: Umm, well…

GIRL 2: That he’ll… you know…

MAN: Is this what you’re afraid of?

[MAN TAKES OFF THEIR CLOTHES]

[DIRTY STUFF]

XXX

[DIRTY STUFF IS FINISHED. EVERYONE IS SATISFIED OR WHATEVER]

MAN: So. You don’t need to be afraid of the monster anymore. Now let’s go find him…

//THEND//